Dopey Pants

'There is no way in the world any son of mine is going to be caught dead in a pair of those dopey swimmers.'

Those were the words of the man of the house.  The fashion police.  The family style radar.  And I gotta say, those pants do look pretty 'gay'.  And I mean that in the playground sense of the word 'gay' because I reckon that any self respecting gay bloke would actually much prefer a good old tight fitting pair of budgie smugglers any day.

They can't be good for a chaps bits n bobs, let alone a wee lad whose bits n bobs are just trying to get off to a good start.  On top of that they cost a bloody fortune.  The marketing is great: World's fastest swimsuit, it says.  Less drag, lightweight, water repellent.  Aspirational stuff.  Who wouldn't want a pair?

What those swimmers say is: Hey I take my swimming pretty fucking seriously, and I am prepared to look like a complete twat to prove it.  You won't be laughing when you see what a speed demon I really am.  Shaves splits off my time?  Shaves seconds I'm telling ya.

But do they actually work?  That's what we all really want to know.

Well perhaps the marketing should add to its blurb: water propellant.  Today I witnessed the results.  Swimming in Australia is a science and a source of national pride.  We refer to our national swim team by their first names only, like members of our own extended family.  When you've been away for a while this obsession can make you feel a little uncomfortable.  A little like the smugness of the Aussie cricket team.  It's an embarrassment that makes you cringe.

Jack had his swimming carnival today.  Not being privileged (or self obsessed) enough, he doesn't own a pair of high performance swimmers (yet).  He placed third place in all his events.  The first and second places were taken by the same boys in each event.  Now don't get me wrong, I am super proud of my boys efforts.  This is a lad who didn't even swim so well just over a year ago, having spent most of his young life in London.  But what did those boys have that he didn't?

Aside from a consistent Aussie upbringing and probably having been in a pool since they were in nappies, there were two very obvious items missing from our kit.

Firstly, a swimming cap.  Jack has worked hard on his luscious blond surfing curls over the summer and my God, who wants to hide that glory under an ugly plastic cap?  He might not be self obsessed when it comes to the racing gear but he spends an awful amount of time (for a ten year old boy) in front of the mirror perfecting the hair.

And secondly, you guessed it.  The dopey swimmers.

I guess maybe there is truth in the blurb.  Maybe those swimmers really do have little propellers that pop out under water.  Or was it repellent?  Same thing.  If you wear the swimmers the water repels you, pushing you away.  Those boys were streaks ahead.  The combined streamline of dopey pants and plastic caps has to account for a few seconds surely?  All those Olympic champs can't be wrong.

But hey, never let great science get in the way of great personal style, I can hear the man of the house say.  Winning isn't everything!