Browbeaten

Huddled on the floor of the living room.  Wet cloth in hand.  I rested my head on the new carpet.  My heart lay heavy in my chest and I could feel tears welling up from that lump in the back of my hoarse throat. 

He was upstairs in his room.  Sobbing his little heart out.

"Please don't yell at me Mummy".

Motherhood.

It is not always rosy.

I spend a bit of time checking out other blogs,  mostly interior porn but the occasional Mummy blog too.

There are a lot of rose tinted versions of family life to take your pick from and thereby feel totally inadequate.

A parenting failure.  

A lot of photos of cute babies on jaunty sepia toned European holidays.  Of neat little corners in colourful homes tended by SAHM's who's lives appear to be totally fulfilled with the baking and making and crocheting of wonderful wonderful.

Parental gloating.

It is not really like that.  Surely?

Fleeting moments only.

I sometimes lie in bed at night fretting about my children.  Feeling the leaden weight of their future upon my shoulders. 

They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.  And with the best intentions.  We just really can't help it.

This Be the Verse  BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

We are not infallible.  And sometimes the decisions we make as parents are going to have repurcussions we are not proud of. 

Sometimes, when we are discouraged by a difficult situation, anger does seem helpful, appearing to bring more energy, confidence and determination. And while it is true that anger brings extra energy, it eclipses the best part of our brain: its rationality. So the energy of anger is almost always unreliable. It can cause an immense amount of destructive, unfortunate behavior. - Dalai Lama

Is it rational to lose it over spilt milk on the new carpet? 

Is it rational to lose it when children do childish things? 


Is it rational to raise our voices?

In the Buddhist teachings it tells us that there is no such thing as righteous anger.  However, none of us are immune to the destructive forces of anger.  Life is constantly throwing up difficult situations and we have a choice whether or not to react.

The tears on the carpet incident occurred mid school holidays.  Things have greatly improved now we all have a little more focus and routine.  But the fact is I really don't enjoy losing it or raising my voice.  I always feel totally defeated.  

If we can remember to take a deep breath during these stressful moments, and remind ourselves that we have a choice, more often than not the more rational options will then have an opportunity to be heard. 

No need to hand on the misery.  Avoid the browbeating and embrace the loving kindness.  


Sometimes easier said than done.