Fraud

I went to see the oddest Ruby Wax show in the West End earlier this week.  If you are thinking acerbic, quick witted humour, well sure there is a bit of that.  However, the show, entitled "Losing It", was more like a painful public airing/therapy session dealing with Ruby's personal battle with depression.

It was an exploration in using humour as a sort of group therapy.  It was messy and uncomfortable.  She had taken it to The Priory and played to the inmates (is that what you call them?).  Her line is 'If you can make depressed people laugh then you've got a good show'.  I am not so convinced.

I went with a friend who has been living with a seriously depressed partner for many years and I have seen this condition ravish the family's strength and reserve.  For my friend the whole performance left her unsatisfied and angry, neither relieved from a great laughter release nor buoyed by a sense of connection and support.

Ruby's demise into depression is covered in detail in the first half.  The usual suspects were covered; parents, upbringing, school bully's, being/looking different etc.   But she also talks candidly about Motherhood and careers, loss of confidence and jealousy.

She talked about feeling like a fraud.  From being the one at school who everyone picked on or ignored, to then becoming famous and applauded.  Asking herself, "When are these people going to discover I am really not this person but rather the bucked tooth loser from high school?"

I have had the fraud conversation a bit lately.

A friend recently described this feeling (the fraud one) as part of the female condition.  The self doubting, the guilt, the lack of confidence.  Do men feel the same sense of fear?  I am sure they experience fear, but does it come from the same place?

I am going back into the real life workforce after a reasonably pre-longed Mothering break.  I describe quite regularly to my friends the sense of fraudulence I feel.  On the one side claiming/believing I am capable and experienced and on the other seriously doubting my ability and worth.

But apparently even woman who haven't had breaks from work and hold lofty respected positions of power are secretly questioning themselves, doubting their ability, all the while clearly being applauded and accoladed for their skill.

I had lunch with a friend today who reminisced about the old days before kids and remembered having moments back then, as she produced huge TV commercial shoots, of thinking to herself, "Am I really doing this? Can I really do this?"

My sister and I wondered if this is all because, for as much as feminism has done to free us, we still feel deep down like it is a man's world, we are not really on an even playing field.  We are posers and fakers in a world that doesn't really belong to us.  Interestingly Ruby does mention the man vs woman earning equality divide.  Comparing the salaries of the husband to the level of subservience of the wife, and the fact that in reverse it is never the case.

I think the fear us Mum's feel stems from the invisibility of Mothering.  From being unseen and unheard whilst giving up so much of ourselves to this relentless job.  There is no question that we relinquish ourselves to the job through pure hearted love.  But the fact that there is no professional 'man's world' recognition for the skill and dedication of Mothering well can make it feel like a huge black hole in the landscape of your experience.

This isn't a question of whether I think you should stay at home or not, the whole issue has always been a spiky one for me.  I won't lie either, Mothering has provided me some of the greatest highs yet also the lowest lows.  Depression is something I know about too now.  I do believe the job of Mothering is completely undervalued and any woman who can navigate sanely through those murky waters should be awarded with any job they desire.

So facing up for work in the real world again is slightly frightening.  Fronting up from the trenches with the confidence to say "Hell yeah I can do that" takes so much courage.

All the while the little man in the back of your head is yelling out "FRAUD FRAUD".